I have had a lot of good feedback from part one, so I will continue. I had someone ask me to talk about tantrums but I had to tell this person that, fortunately, I never had to deal with any of my kids throwing a tantrum. However, one of my grandchildren went through a faze of doing this. My advice to my daughter was to ignore it. Let her scream and yell until she tires out, but don't give in to her demands. Eventually they give up the fight. It's a battle for power. When you try to appease them, you are playing into their hands. I know it's hard and embarrassing when you are in public. I can't really comment any further because I don't have the experience. Feel free to comment on this blog what has worked for you. It may help someone else.
Okay, back to my list what to do and what not to do:
6. Give them everything they need, not everything they want - Even if you have money to spare, don't buy all the lastest gadgets and toys for your child. I have learned from experience that the more you splurge on them, the less they appreciate the next thing you buy and they expect you to give them everything. They grow up with a "gimme" attitude and an entitlement mentality. I am not saying never to buy them anything, but make it a special occasion. When my girls were young, we had little money. We couldn't afford to buy them a lot of things. Many of their friends had a lot more than them. I can honestly say, they were the most unselfish children you have ever seen. They never begged for things and when it came time for asking for something for Christmas, they sure didn't ask for much. They were grateful for everything they received and never complained that they didn't have everything their friends had. They grew up to be very appreciate young women. They don't look for gifts or big things for birthdays and Christmas. They are still content with modest gifts. Of course, as they grew older and our finances were better, we were able to spend more on them, and we wanted to give them more, because they never expected it.
My grandchildren have been given so much and their mother realized this and started to limit their gifts. One Easter they received easter baskets from their parents, and from both sets of grandparents. They were so unappreciative. My daughter saw this and instructed us to stop buying them separate easter baskets. I am glad she recognized the need for limits.
7. Choose your battles - When you get into a stalemate with your child, ask yourself, "Is this the hill I want to die on?". Sometimes we insist on our way, just because we can. Sometimes it is okay to give in, if it is something that won't hurt them, or make them stray from God. For example: One of my daughters wanted to get her belly button pierced when she was a senior in highschool. She was under age so she needed my permission and I had to go with her and sign a waiver. At first I thought, no way!! What kind of mother would I be to take my child to a place that does body piercing? But, I knew that she had recently lost a lot of weight and felt good about herself for the first time in a long time. I decided that I would give in on this one. So, we went to a tattoo place and got her piercing. It was pretty funny. While I was waiting, I was reading all these vulgar signs on the walls. My daughter told me to stop looking at them, so I turned my attention to the jewelry counter where they had gadgets to pierce ALL body parts. She got it done and we walked out to the car where I proceeded to pray the demons off of us. I literally did this! We had a good time and I won major, cool Mom points! The point is, I didn't do something that I felt was against God's will. I am sure many religious people would disapprove, but it was something that was not that big of a deal. So, don't automatically say no, just because you always do. Give it some thought and decided if it's really worth going to battle over. Of course, some things are worth it and you have to stand your ground.
8. Be careful what you let your children watch. When my girls were young, I was shocked at what they would tell me their friends were allowed to watch on TV or at the movies. I am talking about elementary age kids. And I am talking about their church friends. We were always very strict as to what we allowed them to watch. Do you know I didn't allow them to watch "The Simpsons"? They were never allowed to watch it because I had seen enough of it to see that the kids were disrespectful to their parents on this cartoon, so I didn't want them to pick up on that. They were certainly not allowed to see R rated movies at that age, although many of their friends were. PG 13 was not allowed most of the time until they really were over 13.
I remember one of my kids calling me and asking me if she was allowed to watch a certain movie at a friends house. I knew she was calling me to give her an "out" because she didn't want to watch it. So, I told her she could not watch it and she was relieved. Don't let young kids watch things that are meant for adults. They grow up fast enough. Let them be kids! Even if their friends are allowed to do it, stick to your rules. My kids laugh at me because I wouldn't let them watch, "Rugrats" because I thought it was about bad little kids. I finally watched it and saw that it was harmless and really enjoyed it myself.
9. Get them out of the house! When I grew up, we never stayed inside during the day. We went out in the morning, came home to eat and were out the door again until dark. I know times have changed and you can't just let your kids go out without keeping tabs on them, but make sure they spend time outside playing.
With all of the technology today, it's too easy to let them sit with their face in a game all day, because they are quiet. It's easy to sit them in front of the TV and forget them. But, make sure you have "play time" for them to get outside and get dirty and use their imaginations. I hate that we have become so computer dependent that we don't even have to think anymore.
10. Read to your kids - Some of my favorite times spent with my kids and grandkids were with them sitting on my lap, reading a book to them. We had bedtime stories when the girls were little. Give your kids a love for reading. Reading makes you smart! Get books that will force them to use their imaginations. Use reading time to teach a lesson. Sitting on a bed, reading to a sleepy child is something that you will treasure forever.
More to come.........
My husband and I have often been told that we have the best kids. We have heard this from the time our girls were young until the present. We have been asked how we did it. My reply is usually, "I don't know, they are just good kids". And honestly, they are and always have been. But, God showed me that there were things that we did that contributed to having 4 grown daughters who are all saved, serving the Lord and who love each other very much. I want to share some parenting tips for those who are new parents or even in the middle of the process and at their wits end.
Before I start, I need to make a disclaimer. My oldest daughter, Hollie, was born when I was barely 17 years old. I had no idea what I was doing as a parent and, I am sure, made many mistakes. Thankfully she turned out to be a wonderful daughter, in spite of my ignorance. So, she may not agree that I was the same parent to her as I was to her sisters who came along when she was 8 years old.
Disclaimer #2 is that we are not perfect parents. We have made mistakes and blown it occasionally. I don't claim to be an authority in all areas of parenting. I realize there are children who may not respond the way other children do and some rules may not work with them.
Okay, here we go.......
1. R E S P E C T - It may sound crazy, but respect needs to start from day one. I hate seeing a young child speaking to their parent with disrespect. There is a cute video that has gone viral with a boy about 4 years old calling his mother by her first name, arguing with her over a matter. Yes, the video is hilarious, but clearly, this boy is disrespecting his mother. He should not allowed to call her by her first name, and she should not be debating with him about something that he did that was against her rules. Respect is earned and learned. If Moms and Dads don't respect each other, their child will learn the same behavior. Respect is instilled at a young age. Your child needs to know that they are the child and you are the parent. They need to know that they are not on the same level. They need to be taught to speak to their elders differently than their friends. They should be taught to say Ma'am and Sir when speaking to their elders. They need to see you showing that same respect to your parents. It should be modeled and expected.
2. Follow Through - I am not going to go into types of discipline because we don't all discipline our children the same way. Whatever way you choose, whether, time out, taking something away, spanking, you need to follow through. Don't say, "If you do that one my time I am going to_______", unless you intend to really do it. Lazy parents make threats all day long and never go through with them. Your child is not dumb. If you do this over and over, he or she will know that they can do whatever they want because there are no real consequences. I hate to see parents out in public begging their children to stop doing something. Come on!! Who is the parent? Beg my child? I don't think so. If you tell your child that they will be grounded if they do something, you better be prepared to have them at home with you. Lazy parents won't follow through because they don't want to be bothered with a pouty child stuck in the house all day. My kids knew, if I gave the warning about something and they continued to do it, they better be prepared to suffer the consequence. Therefore, they didn't bother to try to get away with something very often.
3. Don't yell at your kids!!! I'm not talking about raising your voice, I'm taking about all out yelling. All this does is put you right on their level and lower their respect and frustrate your children. I remember just raising my voice to my daughter and she said, "Why are you yelling at me?" Really? I was not yelling!! Not even close. But, they were so accustomed to me just talking to me that when I raised my voice they were in shock. When you yell at your kids, it makes you look bad as a parent. Sometimes stopping and taking them by the hand and pulling them aside and talking in a calm matter will get their attention much more than yelling at them.
4. Don't argue with your kids. They are kids. You are the parent. Some things are not up for debate. Yes, you can explain why you are not allowing them to do something. You can listen to their arguments, but ultimately, you make the decision and stick to it. There are some things a younger child just can't grasp and you may have to use the dreaded expression, "because I said so". This is not a cop out. This is saying, the answer is final. I am not going to argue with you. I am the parent and you are the child. I know what is best for you and the decision is mine. Case closed. Then close it! If they continue to argue and whine, then it's time to decide a consequence for their disrespect.
5. Be willing to bend, especially with older children. Sometimes your child may have a good argument that you haven't really considered. It doesn't make them disrespect you if you are willing to change your mind. It will show them that you care for them and listen to them. Don't be so stuck on being right that you can't change your mind and give in to something that won't hurt them and is not a bad thing. On the other hand, don't be a wishy washy parent, never sticking to your guns. Your kids will learn at an early age that they can play you. This Mom doesn't play!
That is all for part one.
To be continued.........
